I am writing this from an Epson salt bathtub that is slightly too hot (and therefore uncomfortable.) Rice cooker is on,candle is lit, and an average indie playlist is playing. I am reading my bookclub book and wearing those under eye patches that never stick and keep falling down. Texting my girlfriends and making christmas cookie plans. Monday was busy but squeezed in gym and went through quite a bit of my work to do list. I think I feel good, all things considered.
Still deeply hurting from this weekend. I feel bulldozed, shot, stabbed and trampled on all at once. Like an old rickety damp welcome mat, where we cannot even see the “Welcome” print anymore, and instead has become a home for ants and termites. I keep trying to remember how awful he was to me, but someone it keeps getting washed away by what I now see as fucked up attempts at care and love. Although all things considered, it was ultimately nuts. I keep feeling incredibly bad for fighting him, as if a final fall on the sword would have made him go away. My mother is convinced that if I handled this differently, i.e. been more friendly and less cold, the result would have been the exact same.
I feel like cruella, ursula, and all those disney vilains combined. I feel like a modern day vilain, in the body of a 28th year old women. The line between good and bad keeps on fading, smudged by years of emotional pain.
I am seeking the powers of the witches that were and are. I am begging you all to send me all the spells and well wishes – anything – to get me through this. I afterall can see the Charmed House from my apartment window. I want to become you, witches, and hold your strength. Carry it with grace and for protection. Again, this has been the most challenging thing I have endured, and I want you to guide me, comfort me, and equip me with the tools and strength to get through this.
I don’t want to turn this into a feminist rant, but of course, the women who makes money and was abused becomes the fucked up vilain, the ice cold bitch. No surprise there, just sucks. Do I need to ink my body with a witch coded tattoo to become one, or at least summon one?
